May 13 2010
Healthy Loving……a Saturday muse.
I have been thinking lately about the changes in my life, and the nature of love.
I find myself so grateful for this moment that I live in now and how all the deepest changes and the creation of some kind of beauty in my life have been facilitated by relationship, and the journey of loving.
Relationships are never totally easy, they weren’t intended to be, and if they are you are supremely blessed or perhaps you are not really relating at all. It can be like a dance where you never touch or a safe non contact sport.
I don’t mean physical touch and contact here, I mean the soul kind!
The deepest and most wonderful intimacy comes from being truly known and knowing, being understood and understanding, being accepted and accepting. Healthy relationships are works of art, and I so value mine.
Relationships of any kind are opportunities to learn a lot about ourselves.
Unfortunately sometimes we twist that ourselves opportunity into opportunities to tell others about what we have learned about them. It’s like they are moons and us the planet they orbit, we only see them in the context of relationship to ourselves.
There are reasons people develop that kind of relationship style, and they highlight the neglect of one of our most important relationships. The one we have with ourselves.
Those reasons probably all boil down to unresolved hurts and what we have done or not done with them. Often the truth is that we have deeply buried our hurts like dumping toxic waste down a deep mineshaft to be out of harms way. We develop malignant growths around them or we camouflage them with behaviours, decoys, distractions, masks, attitudes and addictions. We protect, insulate and anesthetize ourselves from the toxic messages arising from our hurts. These messages continually loop inside our heads and they tell us that in some way we are deficient, unlovable , useless, dumb, talentless or unworthy. And we believe it! All untreated sickness eventually takes its toll on our health.
Instead of being open we become closed and understandably self protective. We point the finger at others, playing the blame game. Looking at ourselves in relationship is just too painful when we have buried or bandaged unhealed wounds. Why would we look at ourselves critically and risk exposure to the messages inside our heads, telling us that we are no good, dumb, unworthy, stupid and will never change.
In pointing the finger at others, we could be repeating what we grew up with, copying our role models, or the environment that shaped us the most. It may mean we have not come to a critical point of reflection and change. Defining moments have come and gone in our lives and we remain unchanged. We do not experience re invention, new growth or re birth. Life goes on down the same old same old path.
Blaming others is an effort to escape honest and risky critical self examination. When we blame others in aggressive, subtle or passive ways our love is far from healthy. Our behaviours, attitudes and actions don’t lead to the happiness and intimacy with friends and loved ones that we long for. We are alone with ourselves, and we don’t even like ourselves. This is the worst loneliness there is.
Why are we not able to make changes?
One reason is that change takes work, and its scary work.
Another is that we need some kind of light to illuminate areas that must change , but often our eyes are closed, or we are not looking at all or in the right places.
Change involves surgery, a scalpel to cut out what is toxic or some yuk tasting medicine to treat it and put it into remission.
Change can hurt, so most of us avoid the need to grow unless we reach that point of wanting to despite the pain .
That point may be arrived at through a faith calling us on to selflessness or better loving. It may be someone lovingly ( or out of frustration and anger ) opening our eyes to things that need attention. Or as is often the case, change is facilitated by some very painful personal experience that nearly destroys us.
My defining moment was the painful kind, involving the shattering of a family and a marriage of 23 years.
When the time comes, some people grow up, some stay the same. I wanted to grow up. That was not one BIG decision, it continues to be a series of little decisions, lots of them, some easy, some hard and often arriving out of left field when you least expect it.
Suddenly you realise, ‘Houston we have a problem’.
No not a problem, an opportunity to grow!
I discovered this website that has helped me to keep growing up, helped me to make more sense of myself and understand some of the ‘why do I always……..’ questions that have followed me for 53 years.
It’s all about how we love and may help you understand yourself and your closest relationships and those of your everyday world more.
Check it out, it is very very cool.
Recently, I married my best friend. I am so excited to be in a relationship where there is courage, honesty and commitment to grow and change where we need to, AND have heaps of fun loving and loving healthily along the way.
I am so blessed by Susan.:-)
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