Kiwi On The Loose

In New Zealand it is winter. We are approaching the longest day and to be honest, while it’s dull and grey some days, it’s nothing compared to some countries in winter. New Zealand winters are tame as. Thinking in terms of emotional health, I really struggle in winter. I need the sun, and lots of blue sky. While I enjoy the rain and being inside in the warm, soup and a warm bed, winter really challenges my spirit. I am not the kind of guy who has to be doing stuff, so the still aspect of winter isn’t what effects my emotional health, its something with the light and the mood of the earth in winter.
I have moments hanging out the washing where I feel the sleepiness of the earth, that stillness in the trees as they sleep, the grass slowing down, in fact everything is slowing down, thoughts and feelings, the whole of creation is wanting to sleep.
Tis a good time for thinking and writing.

I have found myself over the years so believing that every weekend should be a three day weekend. Believing because after a three day weekend, apart from thinking Tuesday is Monday and turning up for things on the wrong days for a while until the penny drops, believing because it feels so good. How did people get on in the old days when you never stopped work?
That’s one of the things I love about God. The command to rest on one day of the week was sourced in common sense and a need to replenish the batteries, and for our own benefit as human beings. It was not some law by a megalomaniac creator wanting our homage………….
Three day weekends just seem to have that blend of time for everything.
Saturday on the jobs around home you need to do.
Sunday perhaps doing stuff you need to do with people and…….
Monday just for the luxurious things you would like to do……………

There is nothing like the feeling of Friday night or waking on the Saturday morning knowing you have an extra day………..and then there is the deliciousness of Sunday night knowing that tho it’s raining and the rubbish trucks still gonna come by, you don’t have to go to work.
Now I happen to enjoy my job as a teacher and 9/10 days i am okay with trotting off to the treadmill of necessity, BUT the luxury of that extra day is wonderful………..a day to lavish on sitting and reading, or doing what you want because you have had two other days to work on list reduction.

So my thanks to the Queen of England, and the Commonwealth and all that! Eh wot.
Happy Birthday to You.

Getting through to the end of a hard week I could think of a number of things I wanted to do as soon as the work week was over and I stepped thru my front door.

The first was to spend some time with my best friend if she was still up. I knew she had to get up and work early.
If that wasn’t able to happen plan two moved to top place.
COFFEE made in my own coffee machine.
I had slept in this morning and had wanted to have one ever since……
The other option was to head down town and take some photos, to do something for my creative soul.

So what happened?
I managed to spend some time with Susan before she hit the hay.
I made the coffee. And drank it.
I got ready to head down town to get some photos, and fired up my MP3 player to listen to some lectures I had downloaded, and that were so unlocking doors for me.
OFF I went…(after washing some dishes and enjoying the sun in my back window while I worked)
Here is something from that unwind time.
Doing something we enjoy and that gets us out of our weekly after work space, is good for you.It seems so basic but it’s what I don’t seem to do enough.
Healthy lifestyle is about what we do as much as it is about what goes into us, AND it’s not just about exercise in the normal sense.
It’s about how we exercise freedom with our choices, and choices that we make based on our knowledge of our needs and what will help us me emotionally healthy.
I am glad I went out.
Now I am off to the gym!

Beauty Therapy in a nutshell
(a muse)

I find myself hungry for beauty.
Not the kind you might think.
Beauty has many faces & unfortunately
the deepest & rarest beauty is born through pain.
Birth is never a painless process.
Ask any woman or polished gemstone.
Beauty sneaks up on me & jumps out from behind doors.
She smiles at you in strange places.
I know this.

The shell I live in does not totally define me,
but it can limit me.
There’s more than meets the eye to the man in the mirror.
I can see who I really am,
who I really can be, who I have rarely been.
I want to live longer, taste life even more deeply,
to love & laugh at myself & the world,
to finally give up being what I am not.

Beauty is not only skin deep.
The peanuts will have to go!

© BlindPoet
June 2010

I have been thinking lately about the changes in my life, and the nature of love.

I  find myself so grateful for this moment that I live in now and how all the deepest changes and the creation of some kind of beauty in my life have been facilitated by relationship, and the journey of loving.

Relationships are never totally easy, they weren’t intended to be, and if they are you are supremely blessed or perhaps you are not really relating at all. It can be like a dance where you never touch or a safe non contact sport.

I don’t mean physical touch and contact here, I mean the soul kind!

The deepest and most wonderful intimacy  comes from being truly known and knowing, being understood and understanding, being accepted and accepting. Healthy relationships are works of art, and I so value mine.

Relationships of any kind are opportunities to learn a lot about ourselves.

Unfortunately sometimes we twist that ourselves opportunity into opportunities to tell others about what we have learned about them.  It’s like they are moons and us the planet they orbit, we only see them in the context of relationship to ourselves.

There are reasons people develop that  kind of relationship style, and they highlight the neglect of one of our most important relationships. The one we have with ourselves.

Those reasons probably all boil down to unresolved hurts and what we have done or not done with them. Often the truth is that we have deeply buried our hurts like dumping toxic waste down a deep mineshaft to be out of harms way. We develop malignant growths around them or we camouflage them with behaviours, decoys, distractions, masks, attitudes and addictions.  We protect, insulate and anesthetize ourselves from the toxic messages  arising from our hurts. These messages continually loop inside our heads and they tell us that in some way we are deficient, unlovable , useless, dumb, talentless or unworthy. And we believe it!  All untreated sickness eventually takes its toll on our health.

Instead of being open we become closed and understandably self protective. We point the finger at others, playing the blame game.  Looking at ourselves in relationship is just too painful when we have buried or bandaged unhealed wounds. Why would we look at ourselves critically and risk exposure to the messages inside our heads, telling us that we are no good, dumb, unworthy, stupid and will never change.

In pointing the finger at others, we could be repeating what we grew up with,  copying our role models, or the environment that shaped us the most. It may mean we have not come to a critical point of reflection and change. Defining moments have come and gone in our lives and we remain unchanged. We do not experience re invention, new growth or re birth. Life goes on down the same old same old path. 

Blaming others is an effort to escape honest and risky critical self examination. When we blame  others in aggressive, subtle or passive ways our love is far from healthy. Our behaviours, attitudes and actions don’t lead to the happiness and intimacy with friends and loved ones that we long for. We are alone with ourselves, and we don’t even like ourselves. This is the worst loneliness there is.

Why are we not able to make changes?

One reason is that change takes work, and its scary work.

Another is that we need some kind of light to illuminate areas that must change , but often our eyes are closed, or we are not looking at all or in the right places.

Change involves surgery, a scalpel to cut out what is toxic or some yuk tasting medicine to treat it and put it into remission.

Change can hurt, so most of us avoid the need to grow unless we reach that point of wanting to despite the pain .

That point may be arrived at through a faith calling us on to selflessness or better loving. It may be someone lovingly ( or out of frustration and anger ) opening our eyes to things that need attention. Or as is often the case, change is facilitated by some very painful personal experience that nearly destroys us.

My defining moment was the painful kind, involving the shattering of a family and a marriage of 23 years.

When the time comes, some people grow up, some stay the same.  I wanted to grow up. That was not one BIG decision, it continues to be a series of  little decisions, lots of them, some easy, some hard and often arriving out of left field when you least expect it.

Suddenly you realise, ‘Houston we have a problem’.

No not a problem, an opportunity to grow!

I discovered this website that has helped me to keep growing up, helped me to make more sense of myself and understand some of the ‘why do I always……..’ questions that have followed me for 53 years.

It’s all about how we love and may help you understand yourself  and your closest relationships and those of your everyday world more.

Check it out, it is very very cool.

http://www.howwelove.com/

Recently, I married my best friend. I am so excited to be in a relationship where there is courage, honesty and commitment to grow and change where we need to, AND have heaps of fun loving and loving healthily along the way.

I am so blessed by Susan.:-)

I have been reflecting recently on the love and faithfulness of my mother, before Mothers day arrived even!. Why is it that we don’t realise everything in one huge blob of understanding instead of the urrrrr   duhhhhh! moments that punctuate your life as you come to simple significant understandings. The answer is of course obvious.

1. We wouldn’t be able to cope with one huge dose of knowing and understanding, ourselves, others and the world around us.
2. We may not have grown in our lives to a stage of being able to understand, want to understand  or be worthy of understanding.

My mother has been wonderful all her life at letting her kids know how she feels about them, how she loves them and how God loves them, that we are all loved equally, that there are no favourites. My mother lives without a mask. And that is a rich heritage. She is not concerned about appearances, status or approval. She has lived a life that she knows is under the observance of God.

I realise in this moment of writing how valuable that really is. I hate pretense, and realise that I have lived in an open and honest home growing up, with all its faults and failings, that I have been loved by an open and honest mother. Perhaps that is why I place such value on being genuine and that the good parts of my self esteem I have to thank my mother for. I am 53 and have come to this understanding in the last week. I have so much to thank my mother for. I told her that on the phone the other day. I am lots of good things because of her. Thanks Mum. I love you heaps. I will be a better husband because of you and what you have taught me about love.

Yes it is one of those days when for one reason or another you are thoroughly tired of yourself.
One of those days when you have lost sight of your beauty and you just want to go away somewhere and be like a rock, still and deep and nothing to feel, just be like a rock.
It’s a day when I know that I need to write something that will capture the chaos in my mind, the agony of being me, the me-ish things that seem to haunt my existence from days I can’t remember, long time gone and give me grief now.
A day when I need to write and be released from myself in my writing.

Its not all bad, don’t we all have days like this that have built up over our whole lives, or weeks or the last few days and you get to this point, or emotional state.

This day is the point.
My point.
Every day after this can be different because of what I feel, learn and let myself experience from this day.
I have a choice with what I do about it.
I write to process, and record it somehow.

Sometimes like today, I am willing to feel this kind of stuff, the stuff of being a human being, and know that it passes, that it isn’t the sum total of my whole existence or the whole truth of it.
Other days I don’t let myself feel it, or acknowledge I feel it. I push it somewhere else, I block it very effectively, or put on some disguise or cover up. But more often than not because of my personality I can’t hide the bad days very well.

Some people are very good at it……….they learn it from childhood, when their feelings are denied or when they are hurt in some way physically or emotionally, or when they are invalidated by significant people in their lives. They get the message they don’t matter, so they make themselves invisible. They spend their whole lives doing the invisible thing to avoid the pain. They don’t think they matter. Feeling ultimately causes pain because their feelings and emotions were so hurt or ignored, so they try not feel anything. They do not need anything, they become very self sufficient. They don’t handle people who do need anything from them very well.
People with this kind of background develop ways of being human and having some kind of feeling in addictions or relationships based on physical sensations that briefly create emotional intensity. At least they feel human somehow, even if brief.

We do things for comfort.

I can be like that a bit, but somehow I have come to know what I do, what I need today. And risk sharing that.

We all have pasts, with wounds that haunt us, and the future is about healing those things that surface.
They often surface in our relationships with those closest to us. I have recently discovered this website. I think its awesome.
www.howwelove.com

The fact that I need a hug, or to be held tells me that my soul was scraped raw somewhere in my past, that I am wonderfully human.
My poets heart is sensitive to my inner working and writing is good for me.

See I feel better.

P.S I actually needed the hug several days ago and started to write then. Writing is a way of hugging myself. After all, some of my needs I can meet myself………….and a lot of good honest writing has come out of that act.

I cannot deny that the summer is slowly fading and the season is changing. I feel it in the air in the evening, and in the mornings……that nostalgic air with a nip sensation on your skin. The evenings are getting darker sooner, and the leaves are starting to think about leaving the tree.
BUT summer is still hanging on and I cannot deny that I am seriously happy!
There can be a lot of guilt attached to happiness sometimes. What right have I got to be seriously happy when others are suffering on a personal level, a national level like Haiti and Chile and the gazillions of other tragedies that never make the headlines, and on a global level the world is descending further into need and liberal insanity. Happy? Why?
I have friends who have no reason to smile because of circumstances in their lives.
How can I be happy when they are in pain?
Where’s the justice and fairness in thinking God has anything to do with my happiness or that He is even interested, when he has all this pain and suffering to work on, grieve and care about?

I was driving somewhere last week and I realised something that was going to be important to me. I was talking to God about something that was important to me as I was driving and in a split second thought thru all the above questions and it came to me  that I had fallen into a trap. I decided to not fall into the lies of that trap anymore, and that because I had fallen into that trap I had limited so many things about my Heavenly Father or Papa as I like to call Him after reading ‘The Shack’.

I saw in a split second as I was apologising to God for asking something so trite and selfish in comparison to what he must have on His mind that I had let the voices of doubt, fear, rationality, the media, unanswered questions, the problem of pain, humanism and unbelief shape and define who God really was. I had let my thinking shape and define God, not Him define who He really was. And in that moment I felt such a loss, and such a fool for trying to be so wise. I do so try to be the good kind of wise and in moments like this you just get sick of yourself…trying.

In reducing my expectation to having a God who would not be interested in my pithy and pathetic needs, I had reduced Him to a level of being human in character and capacity rather than God. In thinking that He must find it difficult dealing with the Haiti situation one second, and my assault on the doors of heaven with my pin head needs and desires, I had reduced Him to being human like me.

The mystery about God is that yes he can identify with human needs, life, frustrations, anger, pains and all the good bits as well as be not limited by that human condition. He became a human in Christ to communicate and identify with us.

But the picture of Him is much wider. Massively different. Can I create stars, cell, atoms………..errrrr no!

So why do I reduce Him to not being able to cope or be interested with my wee needs and be all apologetic for asking, believing He has bigger fish to fry.
Part of the answer is that I have let guilt and the problem of pain wear me down and shape my concept of God and the importance of my needs to Him. You do not have because you do not ask and you ask for your own desires………………hmmmmmmmm.

I have bought into the thinking that God is interested in my character development and not happiness. Character and happiness go hand in hand……….character development does not always have to mean trials, tho that is the path of it at times.

Joy is a deep thing that you can have in the midst of any circumstances.
I am going to believe God is interested and cares about my circumstances, and that he enjoys me chatting to Him about them and asking things of Him, like any child would their father.
He’s much bigger than me…………..

If you are visiting my blog for the first time you may notice that there are some anomalies. Like why so much about America and then nada. I spent May 2008 - Jan 14th 2009 in America in Denver Colorado. I went there for love and that love continues to this day to be a very powerful and beautiful thing in my life. In fact it is a life defining relationship, and wonderful journey in my life. For me my personal history could be rewritten as BS and AS. Before Susan and After Susan. That does not devalue BS people and experiences in the least as I believe all experiences are preparing us for something, they are growing us, and can be woven into good in our lives. For me that good can in the now, as well as out there ahead, unknown perhaps or that in your heart you see shadows or glimpses of. Getting to see that may be a long way down the road……..and not all pain can resolve into good. Somethings are too painful or sad to ever be seen as good.
Back to the anomaly………
This blog is a hodge podge of thoughts and reflectionz from my time in America and its aftermath back home in New Zealand. I am a mn on a journey, learning and growing lots. I have so many people to thank for that, at times that journey is not all smooth sailing.
YES I am possibly more open than most about whats happening in the murky waters of my life……….and the waters run deep for sure. I am not a masked man, or wanting others to wear masks around me, I love the warmth and humanity of warm, open, trusting relationships, and that kind of intimacy.
And besides,  I believe I have a heavenly father who weaves all these twists and turns into something beautiful……… who uses all these things in my life. I believe I have a Saviour in Jesus The Christ. I love life, being alive and sharing my life with others, walking the road with them……..friends on the road are very very special.I value those friends.Yes she is one of them.

The year has started, and I am back at school teaching music. I love holidays and this one to be sure seemed to go one and on forever, it was a summer like the ones you had when you were a kid. I did a lot of thinking, (can’t seem to stop that) a lot of soul searching (can’t seem to stop that) and a lot of dreaming, (can’t seem to stop that one either).
Some dreams have to die, for new ones to be born. I carry too many dreams and really sometimes I am so blind to whats happening in the dream, I miss the real picture.
2010 for me is going to be a year of reality. I sense the strong call of the wild in my life, but there is also a yearning for the familiar and the peaceful. That may just be lying in the sun at the beach or chilling on a couch in my home, or the wonderfulness of having a job, being able to pay bills and touch peoples lives, laugh, take a photo, think or dance.
The call of the wild is best experienced before or after the peace of being home, and in a place that is shaped by you and expresses you. I like home, I like the land I walk on, I like who I can become and appreciate where I have been, I like the oceans that surround me.

This year I do want to write more, and write more from a space that is inhabited by the reality of Jesus in my life, not a pathetic churchy puppet like Christ, but the man Christ. I want to live and write how that relationship impacts my dreams, how I live, what I say and think, yes who I am. I want to rediscover Him myself and not live on past experiences of Him , or others experiences. To be wild it will be my journey with Him, and to be sure that is personal but will also echo and be consistent with the journeys and experiences of many.

There’s a lot of lip service out there to God and Jesus, but not a lot of dust on the feet from walking the hard road.
I want to have dusty feet, and a very open heart, with a face turned to the sky often and especially at sunset and sunrise.
I want to walk in the garden while he talks to me, and sit quietly with His words and bathe my soul in that kind of love.
Yes that kind of love.

Here’s a link to my 1st poem for 2010. On The Third Day

In New Zealand today the sun is as hot as ever, it’s Friday and there’s nothing like a Friday after a weeks work. Where ever you are in the world.

If anyone reads this I wish you a really awesome year. I really do.