I would hope that I am not the only one contemplating my existence at the moment and sincerely wishing I could make some changes.
As I get older I find some things are way way more difficult to change, way way more difficult to get some kind of movement on.
While I started writing this post some weeks ago, I find that the theme has continued as it always has, like the universal struggle it is perhaps with us all.
Or maybe, and perish the thought I am here in this state all on my lonesome.
But the reality is I know I am not. To seriously think I was would be to deny that I cry in the movies, that I choke up reading books, that I listen to hearts and have a feeling that I really do see stuff with my own eyes. I am kind of aware at least.
Like all things it just comes down to hanging in there, that this too will pass, and that even when you can’t see anything happening it doesn’t mean that it’s not.
I read a Susan Monk Kidd book once that was a based on the ‘sacred questions of life’, and began with the observation of a moth hanging in a chrysalis. To the outside world nothing was happening, but inside a massive metamorphosis was taking place. Here is The Book
Today as I write I am unwell and fighting the flu, and know my glasses and emotions are slightly tainted and distorted by the struggle my body is having fighting the flu gremlins, BUT something is happening.
Every time I stop and contemplate my life, something is happening, something does happen. Sure it may not be instant fitness, and weightloss………….but something does happen.
“Back in the autumn I had awakened to a growing darkness and cacophony, as if something in the depths were crying out. A whole chorus of voices. Orphaned voices. They seemed to speak for all the unlived parts of me, and they came with a force and dazzle that I couldn’t contain. They seemed to explode the boundaries of my existence. I know now that they were the clamor of a new self struggling to be born.”
― Sue Monk Kidd, When the Heart Waits: Spiritual Direction for Life’s Sacred Questions
Recently, today in fact………I finished reading a book called Tuesdays With Morrie by Mitch Albom.
This book challenged me to think about whats really important. It also affirmed some things that I have felt true for some time. That some of us live only partially. We are not fully alive.
In the book, one of Morrie’s statements was that when you know how to die then you are truly alive………….
I see many people living for another life, maybe an after life, maybe a better life, a more prosperous life……….a healthier, less stressed life. I can get drawn into that easily….
I have been very aware, and hugely so, because of my love for photography and light……….all I have is this moment……….and when I see it, really see it and let it be felt, within that moment I am fully alive. That moment is felt with such profundity that if that was all there is and was, my cup would be full.
The way the light falls on the shed in my yard, http://www.ipernity.com/doc/kiwivagabond/album/553631
The trees I drive past in my travels around Whangarei http://www.ipernity.com/doc/kiwivagabond/album/549567
What I am or am becoming, or am not doesn’t seem to matter in in those moments as much as what ‘just is’. Moments bring us choices, choices to be what I need or want to be, or to just ‘be’ in that moment.
I am the moth being born inside the chrysalis.